Captain's Log:
Happy Leap Day! This is the last time I will be able to write on February 29th until 2012, so I thought I would take this monumental opportunity. This is the only leap day until 2012 and the Google Doodle was lame. You can take a look at all of the past Google Doodles if you would like, for there are quite a few good ones.
The other day--at work--I came up with an idea that would benefit all of the computer users in the 920th Rescue Wing. I have begun writing a manual that will explain some of the more basic solutions to common problems that occur with everyday computer use on the bases's network. The User's Manual (as it has come to be called) includes topics such as finding the name of a computer, setting another printer as the default printer, and setting up Outlook on a machine to view one's mail. All relatively simple things that can increase the user's amount of computer knowledge a little. This project should make everyone's job easier, but only time will tell how much of this manual is actually read, and how much is used.
That is basically what the introduction to the manual states; however, there is a sentence at the end of the intro that say, "This manual even goes so far as to teach the user bear-evasion tactics!"... I actually wrote an article expounding on the tactics for evading a bear assault and I included them in the manual, in the 9th chapter called Tips and Tricks. I thought it was informative enough to bring to light here, so that three people who read this weblog can learn this valuable lesson. Here is the article...
Surviving a Bear Assault
Most, if not all, of us have experienced those moments of irritation spent setting up a tent for a night under the stars in some far off woodland with the family. Every time something has to go wrong, and of course it has to happen when the sky is just beginning to darken and carry us into a night filled with sounds that are strange and foreign to the ears of city dwellers. (If you have never been camping, then you are clearly missing out on a stellar experience, and as soon as you finish this article, you should proceed to EBay and purchase a tent. Plan a camping trip, drag the entire family in the heart of the woods, and experience the great outdoors for a couple of nights.) After the troublesome tent is erected, and dinner has been consumed, it is advisable to seal and store your leftover food in such a way that the smells of the delicious victuals do not carry on the wind into the nostrils of a hungry bear. If for some inane reason you forget to do this, or you just choose not too (an example of extreme inanity), the bear may come to pay you a visit and your life may be threatened. Here are some easy steps you should take to avoid being consumed by a bear.
1. Don’t go camping… (despite the advise proffered in the parenthetical statement above)
2. If you must go camping, seal and hang your food high in a tree, like any semi-intelligent, half-sober monkey could and would do…
3. Were you to come face-to-face with the beast, please refrain from delivering a round-house kick to the face…you are not Chuck Norris (for more explicit instructions proceed to the bear-specific portion of this article)
Bear-Specific Evasion Instructions
Grizzly Bear – Quickly climb the nearest, tall tree…calling for one’s mother during the climb may seem appropriate, but is not advisable. Climb at least 15 feet, for these bears can get as high as 12 feet up the tree.
Black Bear – Punch it in the face…seriously… Your only chance of escape (for these bears are quite fast) is to fight it or scare it away. Hit the black bear with rocks, pots, pans, sticks, fists, or sinks from one’s kitchen (provided that the sink is readily available).
Polar Bear – Hand the bear sunglasses and a Coke®… You have to be especially lucky to have the glasses and the cola at your disposal in such a trying and deadly time. Let me know how that goes...if you are able...
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That will probably be the only article in the manual that does not relate to computers, but I thought that it was an important one. Now you know how to survive when you are challenged by a bear.
Have a good night,
Lorimer
